Dear Mercury,
Thank you for taking up my offer to talk about envy. I appreciate your honesty here.
This is the dilemma.
It is awfully hard to handle a situation like this one.
And I certainly don’t want to sound smug, like I wouldn’t have precisely the same feelings!
You are in the classic situation that engenders envy, because you are embedded in a context where you can see what you don’t have, and what they do have.
My perspective as a therapist might be able to help. I have met many a person with financial and material advantages who has had an easy life. Too easy. Far too easy. They suffer from a host of things that are difficult to face: feeling aimless, not knowing that there is a difference between talent and discipline, wondering if people like them for themselves or for their money, shallow attitude toward life, being co-opted by media and material things. The value goes out of life, and despair, self-destructive compulsions rule. If they are capable of feeling guilty about their advantages, they will internalize the guilty and not being able to enjoy what they have. Really. If they are like Bernie Madoff, guiltless, you would not want to have his life.
So what, you might say? That’s about them, what about me, in the meantime?
How can we help you to spend less time in envy, and more time doing things that matter to you? You are in the thick of it. In the moments that trigger your envy most, you have a (forced) choice: you can marinate in that moment, or you could quietly back off, attend to other things, find something that matters to you to move yourself forward. You may have to recommit to this step every two minutes, but keep doing it.
I am not going to be formulaic about envy. I am telling you what I would do. I am not in your situation, I know that. I would work hard to keep my own counsel, breathe my way through the worst moments (at work), get support and love from friends, and please forgive yourself for what you feel.
And tell me if anything I am writing makes sense to you.
Thanks again. You have the guts to raise a question facing others.
One more thing; it has hit you now, yet this level of misfortune has hit others before, you may not have noticed them back then. Notice it/them now. “how could this be happening to me!” has been happening to people somewhere forever.
Again, I am telling you what I tell myself. No stunning magic here, but no reductionistic formulas either.
I trust you will let me know what you think.
JL
4 Comments
First of all, thank you so much for your blog, and thank you even more for responding back to me with such wisdom. I appreciate the broad perspective you provide in saying “it has hit you now, yet this level of misfortune has hit others before, you may not have noticed them back then. Notice it/them now. “how could this be happening to me!” has been happening to people somewhere forever. ” So true - - this helps me get outside of my own isolation about my feelings and join a larger community of people who have probably experienced this stuff for centuries.
I was thinking about your blog last night and what I shared, and one of my favorite movies came to mind: “It’s a Wonderful Life.” That movie is TOTALLY about envy, and healing from it. As you know, George Bailey gave up all his dreams to take care of the home front, while Sam Wainwright and George’s little brother Harry went on to fame and glory. (Of course the idea of George possibly facing jail time didn’t help either). But it wasn’t until he was given the chance to see how his life and contributions are valued from a “heavenly” perspective, and from the perspective of those around him, that he was able to realize his worth.
I’m a Sunday School teacher at my church and I totally love Bible study. But I’m also one of those Christians who has had psychotherapy over the years when weathering various crises and enduring brief bouts of depression. Therefore, I appreciate the analysis of the mind, emotions and our social systems and patterns. I even think that much of this is touched on in the Bible. I would like to see more Christians embrace certain self-analytical practices - - I think it would deepen our spiritual walk.
I know that you’re coming from a secular perspective, and I find your perspective helpful. Christians are called to be “IN the world, but not OF the world.” Our living IN the world is what gives us our greatest challenges, and potentially our greatest growth. I hope I’m not sounding too preachy, but one of the reasons why I love God is because His currency is not our currency. Our currency is financial wealth, material possessions, physical beauty, social status, etc. His currency is love, compassion, faith, wisdom, mercy, an encouraging word given to another, and the state of our hearts, etc. I would love to live my life based on God’s currency. I don’t want to live my life in comparison to others. Jesus even gives this talk where he compares people to the parts of a body: one person is an elbow, another is a foot, another is a shoulder, an ear, etc. All parts are needed for the body to function, so how can an ear be jealous of an elbow? We each have our important function. I really want to adopt His point of view in this area.
I would like to start a Bible study on envy at my church and incorporate some of the stuff you talk about. Have you written any books about this? Are you familiar with any books written about envy? Of course the real trick will be getting any Christians to admit that they have any envy in the first place! ([Everybody’s so pious and holy, yet talking about each other behind their backs! (LOL!!)
Hi Joan, sorry to be blogging again so soon. But I was just re-reading your earlier comment. I do see hints of shallowness and extreme boredom in many members of this super rich crowd I work with. I’m also aware of some self-destructive behaviors of some of their kids. So maybe that “grass isn’t so green.” They sure look happy from an outsider’s perspective though.
I guess I want to be so at peace that I can be happy for their happiness, and not “smile secretly on the inside” when the super rich fall or face pain. I don’t want to delight in their shortcomings. Because when I do this, according to God’s currency model, my stock wouldn’t be trading so high either!
I noticed yesterday that my boss’s son’s apparently sudden fortune brought up the issue of “deserving” for me. I was overwhelmed with the thought that he didn’t deserve such sudden fortune for never having worked a day in his life. But do we “deserve” anything about our lives? Do the members of the House of Windsor “deserve” to be born into royalty?
Anyway, I’m also a musician (keyboardist/composer) in addition to working in a law firm. I worked on some music tracks last night and stepped up my sense of urgency in finishing our first CD. (My husband sings and we write together). I had a nice productive discussion with our recording engineer and felt pretty positive. There’s a definite corelation between the amount of time I devote to my dreams and passions, and the amount of envy I feel of others. Hmmmm?!!
Anyway, many thanks!
One more note. Just a few minutes ago, my boss was having another loud, raucus, congratulatory conversation with his son about some new amazing victory for a 19-year old - - this time about compensation. So I just got up and closed my boss’s door to give them privacy. (LOL!!) I guess I don’t have to hear their conversations if I don’t want to. (I think they want everyone to hear them though). Anyway, a little progress for me!! Thanks a million for your site. Now I’ll shut up and let someone else weigh in.
Yes, closing your door is both practical and symbolic. Taking that particular action, choosing to not inflame your own envy, I find that is the best way to go.
I hope you do NOT shut up-keep writing when you like.
And how can we invite others to join?
In your previous email, when you described an example schadenfreude (joy at others’ pain), that is another human response to feeling envious. In the therapy literature, it is called spoiling. But that doesn’t really make us feel better.
Music, yes!, can make us feel better, creating music, that is a real blessing.
I know, I have a llifelong deep love of music.
Keep writing.
joan