If envy is a rare event in your life, you are doing fine on your own. If these pages raise your awareness to the issue, this might be all you need. But if education is not enough, it could mean that your envy is getting out of hand and you might need more help.
Would any of these describe you?
- You become secretive
- You show false humility
- You backbite and enjoy malicious gossip
- You are sarcastic, malicious or threatening
- You avoid the happy occasions and celebrations of others
- You procrastinate doing what you deeply wish to do
- You isolate yourself
- You engage in schadenfreude- enjoying others’ bad luck
- You avoid or effectively ostracize the envied person
Or perhaps you have signs of depression, anxiety, social withdrawal or problems maintaining close relationships. Maybe you respond in ways that make you cringe later on.
A Soothing Reminder
If you are having a hard time with these questions, please accept this piece of comforting advice. You may be the one of the few who has decided to take a closer look at the role envy plays in your life. You are on your way to healing your envy.
Envy is a universal human experience that challenges us to grapple with it in the most skillful way we can find.
Principle: How we handle our envy makes all the difference.
Thumbnail Therapy 1
Anna came from a wealthy large family of lovely people who struggled with their more than their share of personal problems. Their lives were very busy so there was little time to pay serious attention to all the very real unhappiness. The pressure to look fantastic was intense. Anna was gorgeous on the outside yet felt ugly inside. She felt deprived but couldn’t imagine why. Despite her financial status, Anna described herself as an imposter storing envy toward others. She thought everyone felt the same way toward her, so she was isolated and mistrustful. Her life began to change when she noticed that her therapist showed compassion for her envy.
Principle: When we feel emotionally impoverished, we are prone to envy.
Thumbnail Therapy 2
Marie was a successful older businesswoman who had never married. She knew the chances of finding a partner at her age were slim: she said it didn’t matter that much. But she avoided social events especially weddings; she stayed home and overate instead. Marie had an inkling that she was experiencing envy, and that the pain of this urged her to over eat, but could not imagine the full impact it had on her life. Her therapist was the first person who took the risk to help Marie to put her envy into words. Her therapy was painful and profound and changed her life.
Principle: When we feel helpless to create the opportunities we need to grow, we can feel envious.
Thumbnail Therapy 3
Allan had tremendous talent as a musician, yet the competition in his field was crushing. He could barely concentrate on his work as the jobs didn’t come in. Allen never doubted his musical gift but was in a situation he could not weather. By the time he entered therapy he was paralyzed with depression and burning with envy.
His therapist saw the urgency of the situation and was steadfast in releasing Allen from his feeling of being a loser. After some dramatic sessions Allen began to feel hopeful. He was able to write music again, and began to be noticed for his talent. No, the world hasn’t magically changed for Allen but his relation to it is different.
Principle: When we try very hard to achieve something important to us and lose honorably, we can feel envious.
In a nutshell: Good psychotherapy reduces your shame, increases your self-worth, softens your heart, sharpens your mind, and opens your arms to the richness of life. All of these, over time, dissolve your envy. Less energy goes into being envious, more into compassion for yourself and everyone else struggling along to have the best life they can.
Psychotherapy takes time, money and emotional effort. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Psychotherapy is a deeply creative endeavor that taps into our deepest fears and greatest hopes. The collaboration you form with your psychotherapist can transform your life, one session at a time.
