1. I thought envy is considered a sin, isn’t it?
Envy is one of the seven deadly sins. Chaucer considered it the worst of the sins
“It is certain that envy is the worst sin that is; for all other sins are sins only against one virtue; whereas envy is against all virtue and against all goodness”.
In my view (a secular one), envy is a universal human experience that presents us with a challenge to loving and living well. I am not alone in this as many philosophers, social theorists, psychotherapists and theologians have written about envy.
2. Doesn’t it only make good sense to envy others’ fame and fortune?
It’s a common assumption that wealthier folks have a better life. It isn’t necessarily so. I know many apparently enviable people who struggle with other aspects of their lives, loneliness, fear, depression or intense anxiety. Many of them have chronic guilt related to their good fortune and difficulty finding truly satisfying lifestyles. On the other hand, I cannot disagree with the fact that we do not all have it equal in life. All the same I have yet to meet anyone who just breezes through life. It is in the nature of things to have hardship of one kind or another. There are very few “easy wins” in life, tempting as they sound. An easy life is no guarantee that you will be envy-free.
3. Envy is easy to handle. I just put it out of my mind.
Out of mind and into action! I wish it were that simple. While we can deny, suppress, repress, avoid, lie, pray, etc. (the list of ways we try to handle envy goes on and on) envy has a way of “staying put”. My orientation to helping people with their envy is not based on religious principles or approaches that recommend that you pretend you do not have these types of reactions You should not be surprised to hear this from a psychotherapist.
4. Where does envy come from?
Although we are born with needs and hence can get deprived and/or frustrated, we are not born envious. Most agree that envy is a universal existential situation that arises when we are tantalized by the possibility of becoming more than we are, but not able to turn the possibility into accomplishment. You can think of envy as a form of aggression arising from an unfortunate combination of frustrated potential and low self-esteem. We humans need an emotionally responsive environment to help us to develop resilience and confidence. Intense envy may be the sad byproduct of living without enough of this emotional nutrition. Aristotle said it this way:
“The root of our liability to envy is a lack of self-confidence in our own worth combined with a sense of impotence.”
This definition points toward a solution. If you feel better about yourself, you will not feel so envious. Personally I have found this to be true. But the first step is facing my own envy.
4. I live for the times others envy me. Why fix this if it’s not broken?
Thank you for your feisty and honest challenge. You come from the “eat your heart out” perspective and you are not alone here. A lot of us base our worth on this principle.
But I have a few questions: do you want to be envied or admired? What is the quality of your life like when you are not succeeding in being envied? You are choosing a lonely road since chronic envy and true friendship do not easily go together. Also, envy may not be based on an accurate appraisal of the situation but exist only in the eye of the beholder. You may be creating more of a problem for yourself. Best of luck to you!
5. How do I know if my envy is a serious problem or not?
Start by asking why you are writing to me. Look at your life and make a pie graph: how much time do you spend daydreaming, gossiping, or even planning revenge? How isolated do you feel? Can you live with your actions or do you feel hypocritical? Most important, are there things you would deeply want to do in your life that you are afraid to start? What would you need to take a first step in that direction? Notice how you respond inwardly to my questions. Then write back to me.
6. Shouldn’t the poor or otherwise disadvantaged justifiably envy the rich?
Deep resentment is a natural reaction; envy is a bit more complex. You are asking the question that has challenged sociologists, social theorists, psychologists, theologians, economists, etc. I am not convinced that what applies in the case of one person can be easily and accurately applied to a group of people. We have to ask if envy is in the eye of the beholder, or purely a justifiable response to an accurate appraisal on “unequal distribution” (money/status/power).
People tend to envy those whose lives are accessible for comparison but slightly more accomplished. So I would guess that anyone who is striving to move from one social group to another and keeps close tabs on the more fortunate folks might be more vulnerable to envy than those who have given up or who are isolated from those they could envy. Less materially wealthy folks may have developed in an atmosphere that fosters self-worth and they are busy being productive and so less tending toward envy.
One thing seems obvious: unequal distribution of opportunity generates resentment.
7. I just heard that dogs are capable of envy. I am shocked!! My dog is so good- natured. Help!
Yes, isn’t this fascinating? But I have a few questions about the interpretation of this is new data. Dogs have the ability to sense when they are being unfairly. So that suggests that dogs can observe and make comparisons between what they are getting vs. another dog. So dogs can feel neglected. But are they are spiteful? If so, then dogs truly do experience envy. Grrr!
