Whenever I share my work on envy, women tell me that they are much more threatened by being envied than by envying others. You could ask – doesn’t it feel great to be envied?”.
It’s a cliché that women live to make each other envious. But let’s look at how it got to be such a common notion. In ancient times, the only power granted to women was based on their outward appearance. If a man desired a woman, she had access to his power. As woman have become more confident and achieved more social power by developing themselves in many ways, they don’t have to rely on men’s status in the old ways.
But it’s not so simple. Many women are terrified by the thought of being envied by their friends, colleagues, partners and siblings. They are afraid to move forward; they fear being singled out, shamed, criticized and dropped by their friends.
Can you relate to these?
Andrea is a lovely fifteen-year-old girl who gets superb grades in school, excels in sports, is poised and articulate in social situations and is beautiful to boot. Andrea has anorexia nervosa: she is 5’5’’ and weighs 93 lbs. She is blaming herself for this situation and cannot fathom how it happened. No one knows for sure how anorexia develops but Andrea is talking with me about how she and her mother seriously compete to see who fits into the smaller size. Andrea, terrified, lets her mother win yet keeps starving herself.
Kari has had a physical pain in her neck forever. As she takes the time to sense the quality of the pain exactly as how she experiences it, she remembers the precise feeling of her brilliant older brother glaring at her. She says to herself “I’d better keep my head down”. As the pain opens up and Kari starts to feel better, she recalls how her brilliant brother competed with her to make sure he was always one step ahead intellectually. No one saw this happen, but the story came alive through her pain.
Think of a situation when you sensed that someone was envious toward you.
- How did you know?
- What did it feel like?
- What was the cause of their envy?
- What did you do in response? Freeze in your tracks?. Hide your talents, beauty, skill, creativity, healthy ambition. Give your power away? Appear falsely humble? Let the other person win, even if they hadn’t really earned it.?
- Was it ever resolved?
How would you like to be able to respond when someone is openly envious of you?
What would you need to respond in the best way for everyone concerned?
